just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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