Well douche your snatch and let's go!
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
