Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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