the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Dignity is for republicans.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
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