I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
