I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Randomize
