did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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