I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
He kissed a someone with a penis
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
