Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Randomize
