my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
