I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
