I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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