I faked an abortion last night.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Randomize
