I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
