Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Randomize
