You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
