I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Randomize
