Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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