im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon�
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Randomize
