I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Just puked most of my soul out..
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
