bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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