so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
