it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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