Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
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