Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
a girl in my class is on a twilight fan site and running her fingers on the screen as edwards body comes up.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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