You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
