I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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