i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
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