So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
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