did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
