WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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