I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
