Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Randomize
