my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
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