My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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