Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Randomize
