Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
