I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
