God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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