i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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