I can text with my tongue
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I pour the whiskey from now on
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Randomize
