was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
