I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
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