A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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