It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Randomize
