Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Randomize
