you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
