Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
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