Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
