R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
